


Shattered

by returnbydeath



Category: Re:ゼロから始める異世界生活 | Re:Zero Starting Life in Another World (Anime)
Genre: Kasaneru IF continuation, arc 4 spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-01
Updated: 2020-12-01
Packaged: 2021-03-10 01:34:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,568
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27826096
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/returnbydeath/pseuds/returnbydeath
Summary: What if Echidna broke the contract between Subaru and her in the Kasaneru/Greed IF route?[arc 4/s2cour2 spoilers]
Comments: 21
Kudos: 60





	Shattered

**Author's Note:**

> If you're going to read this rushed af piece of writing, I'd recommend reading through the Kasaneru/Greed IF route first. (it contains S2 cour 2 spoilers) You can find it online here:  
> https://witchculttranslation.com/2019/02/11/kasaneru-if-re-repeating-life-in-another-world-from-zero/

Even so, 

"--Why does love, always fade?" 

It's shattered.

The crystal, held in his hand, the black crystal, holding within a witch, hair a sickening white with her pale complexion, and her horrible smile. He hated her, yet he cherished her at the same time. She helped him to get to this point, where his friends still wept, but they were alive. God, they were alive. 

But it shattered. It snapped, it broke, it disintegrated, it smashed, it burst, it fractured, it fragmented. These relationships he could keep so close, cracked, fragmented into little pieces, slipping through his hands too tiny to carry it all. 

That's why she was there. The Witch of Greed, Echidna, capable of leading him on to the right path where he could save everyone with a smile, even if he was a fraud, even if it broke him. She would lead him to the light. Despite him losing count of all these times she has made him suffer, the only thing he had to regret was not taking her hand sooner. She made him want to vomit, not because of being in her presence, but her actions were truly sickening. 

She's the Witch of Greed.

And this Witch of Greed, seemingly endlessly thirsty for knowledge, has shattered, left him entirely. Left him with none of his remaining love left for his companions, emotionless. He’s shattered by her permanently. Nothing can change now.

“Why, Echidna?” He bit his lip, feeling the remaining fragments of the crystal slip through his hands, falling off the rope necklace it was tied on to. Desperately trying to pick them back up one by one, it was impossible. The grains of crystal wouldn’t be able to be put back together. He wondered, was this an accident? Or had she done this completely on purpose because he bored her?

He could kill himself and be done with it right now. He could go back, and she’d most likely be there. But that’s not the case, because he checked earlier this morning that his savepoint was set in that same morning, when it would be too late. She had stopped talking to him by then.

“That, fucking Witch. I’ll…” Subaru wanted to finish speaking, but he was too grateful for what she had done. Instead, he glanced up to his door. A familiar knock resounded, the lonely breeze of the morning flowing through his window. Why did he leave his window open, again?

Right. It was to stay awake all night, checking for the worst-case scenario with Echidna. The one that included him being killed. He couldn’t bring himself to bat an eye at the fact he’d throw his life away so easily.

“Subaru-sama, may I enter?”

Receiving the sweet voice, Subaru tilted his head upwards towards the mahogany door. He opened his mouth, wanting words to escape, but they didn’t come, rendering him speechless. Biting his lip in response to his carelessness, his sharp canine dug into the skin so hard that it drew blood from within his pale skin. It stung, but he couldn’t bring himself to care.

“Are you busy, perhaps? I could come back later.” Hearing the frustration in her voice seeping through the cracks in the door, he couldn’t bring himself to care all that much, as he sat on the floor, moping around something he had brought upon himself. 

Petra Leyte had a shining future awaiting her, and Subaru had loved to see her grow up and become even more cute than she previously had been. The way she slipped in and out of her maid demeanor and childish personality was so cute. Though, she was sprouting out of that habit, but that part would always secretly be around with Subaru. That about her was something Subaru truly cherished. He wanted to save her, because of the happiness she brought him every day. It was truly selfish, but he wanted to save her. He wanted to save her so badly, and for that, he had to see her suffer millions of times in writhing agony from the cruel Elsa’s blades. Her shining future was so prominent. It was waiting for her, wasn’t it? So why did Echidna break away from Subaru?

After a momentary pause, Petra smiled. “Alright, I see, you may be busy. However, if you ever need me, please call me, Subaru-sama!” Her footsteps filled the empty air, and Subaru wished her footsteps would have brought him some comfort.

“Petra…”

Quietly yet longingly calling her name, he thought about those happy times he had with her and the village kids before accepting that wretched Echidna’s contract. Her countless dead bodies flashed in his mind.

Forcefully leaning himself against the wall to prop himself up, Subaru caught himself staring outside of the window to see a pissed-off looking young boy, hair bright blonde yet he felt there was something missing. There was another boy, red-haired and equipped with nothing but his bare hands. A complicated look settled on his face as the two battled. It was like this almost every day, and Subaru wished he had the ability to change it.

Garfiel Tinsel never wanted to leave the Sanctuary. Subaru can barely remember his dumb toothy grin that he’d flash whenever Ram showed up, and he hated himself to think that he missed it. Garfiel could have been happier, probably. Frederica, the maid also inhabiting the mansion, mentioned rather frequently about Garfiel in conversations he’d overhear her having with Petra, wishing he would be at least a little more happy. Petra wholeheartedly agreed, just as the sweetheart she was. Natsuki Subaru felt a little guilt, but Echidna swept it away rather quickly with her voice. He would have opened up to Subaru, eventually. So why did Echidna break away from Subaru?

Reinhard Van Astrea was a man with too many expectations piled on his shoulders. Felt had left him to go live happily in Kararagi with her old grandfather-figure, and he had judged this as his own failure in becoming her faithful knight. He thought maybe it was because of his own incompetence that she had left, judged him incapable of being her knight, and dropped out of the Royal Selection. Subaru had taken advantage of his own kindness, and before didn’t think twice about his feelings, only that he would intimidate as an enemy. Reinhard on their side, the most powerful swordsman in the country. So why did Echidna break away from Subaru?

They battled away in complete and utter silence, the two getting out their own respective feelings in the battle against one another in the gardens, quickly restored by the touch of Reinhard’s foot. 

Collapsing back on to his knees, Subaru stared at his palms, a pang of guilt hitting his chest as his eyes led themselves back towards the door he had no more courage to open without Echidna, and he hated that it made him think of Beatrice.

The girl in the library missed her Mother and regretted that she had broken her promise and truly wanted to die, passing her days in misery, holed up in a faux library just to comfort herself. Subaru hadn’t even bothered to tell her that her mother was talking to Subaru, she had joined up with him, and Echidna didn’t bother to tell her she was forgiven for breaking the contract. She didn’t tell Subaru who her fated ‘they’ was, the person leaving her in the dark, never to open the door to her heart.

Beatrice was a kind girl at heart. If you took her at face value, which is what Subaru did initially, she would appear rude and half-hearted, with a constant sour mood that it was almost impressive that she could uphold. Digging deeper into her past, Subaru could see how much her Mother, Echidna’s, expectations had piled on her. She had vowed to look after the library, and once it went up in flames and there was no ‘they’ to take her out of the rut she was in, she had no more reason left to live in this world. But she would have opened up to Subaru, eventually. She had to. So why did Echidna break away from Subaru?

He slammed his fist into his lap.

Ram, the maid who would previously joke around with him. Scolding him, he would sometimes return the insults, however no matter how hard he tried he’d never be able to overcome her harshness. He almost enjoyed it - after her sister, Rem, became a blank in this world, Ram’s existence was a comfort to Subaru, despite being a living reminder of his own failures to keep her sister safe. She wasn’t like that anymore. Upon seeing her beloved Roswaal and Emilia change their attitudes towards him, she was inclined to as well. He missed it, but he would get it back, eventually. It’d be better that way. So why did Echidna break away from Subaru?

Narrowing his eyes, he longed for the comfort that came from his head being softly stroked.

The half-elf, Emilia, the one he had loved. Her voice was soft, so comforting to hear after a rough day he had. Her hair, so long, silver and beautiful, Subaru had initially wondered how people could hate such a beautiful woman. After being compared to Satella, the Witch of Envy that had destroyed the world 400 years prior, his love towards her didn’t change. Perhaps it was because she had shown him such kindness, or perhaps it was because of his own stubborn kindness that it kept him loving her.

Emilia was trapped in her own thoughts. The disappearance of her father figure, Puck, and the first trial in the Sanctuary had truly broken her, leaving her the way she was now. Subaru wished he could bring himself to say that he still loved her, but with the way she was, he didn’t know if he could anymore. She had cut her hair shoulder-length, her eyes becoming dull and devoid of the deep emotion that made him fall in love with her. She’d hole herself up in her bedroom, becoming so incredibly unstable that it was difficult to speak with her. Subaru accepted her undying affection and dependence towards him, yet it just didn’t feel the same when she ran her icy fingers through his hair. It didn’t feel the same when she’d whisper beautiful words into his ears. She wasn’t the same. But he was sure he could fix it all. So why did Echidna break away from Subaru?

Reaching out towards the door, he thought about that familiar girl with light blue hair, the one he had sworn to get back. It’s been two years, Rem.

Rem is lost to this world. She’s been in a coma in which no one remembers her for the past 2 years in this world, and Subaru still couldn’t bring her back, despite having the help of the Witch of Greed, the most knowledgeable person in the world. His only hope, according to her, was to wait at least another year for Emilia to win the Royal Selection. And even then, if she didn’t win, what would he do? Rem would be asleep forever, and Echidna’s theory would be flawed, unless the future Queen would be so willing as to give Volcanica’s blood away for free, which he sincerely doubted. But surely he was to get her back with Echidna’s help, despite all of this doubt. So why did Echidna break away from Subaru?

“Why…”

He wanted to speak, question why she cracked their perfectly normal bond.

No, he wanted to ask why he’s lost all feeling towards all these people he swore that he’d save. Over the time he’s spent with them in this reality, they’ve become less of people, and more of things, lesser than him and Echidna. He has no more value for them. He can’t bring himself to smile properly in front of them. He can’t bring himself to cry or show weakness in front of them. He can’t show emotions in front of them.

Maybe that’s why Otto Suwen left him on that day when the mansion burned down. He had nothing left to say to him. It was fair, really, but no matter how much he grasped his heart previously and told himself that he did, he never really understood why Otto left him there, when he had saved everyone from the calamity of the Great Rabbit and the two assassin sisters. 

Maybe now he does, just a little more.

Subaru is finally recognising that he’s gone insane, like the true madman he swore to himself that he hated. He has no value for his life or anyone else's, so what is he throwing everything away for, if he doesn’t care?

He wants to care. He wants to feel love. He wants it all back before Echidna comes. If he could get that back, maybe he could feel something towards them again. But it’s impossible, isn’t it? His save point is before he slept, but maybe, just maybe, if he kept killing himself millions and millions of times, it’ll go back just maybe a second before. He’ll kill himself until he’s back in the tomb. That’s right. He’ll do that.

Subaru wanted to hate death. 

He really did.

But he couldn’t bring himself to stop relying on it whenever it came to something desperate like this, never wanting to let go of the reliance he had on something that didn’t really belong to himself. If he hated death, then could he go back to being the Natsuki Subaru that everyone loved in the Emilia camp?

Could he finally get Petra to loosen up a little more in his presence? Could he finally get Garfiel to smile again? Could he finally get Reinhardt to feel as if he’s not worthless? Could he finally get Beatrice to open up her heart? Could he finally get Ram to crack jokes with him again without a care in the world? Could he finally get Emilia to not succumb to madness? Could he finally get Rem to wake up? Could he finally get Otto to tell him he was his ‘friend’ again?

Could he finally value his own life?

Natsuki Subaru longed for these things once more, despising the person he’s become with the Witch of Greed’s help. She’s molded and formed him into a completely uncaring person, apathetic, just like her own self. She said she cared for him, yet where was the care when she asked him to die over a million times for the sake of her research? It made absolutely no sense to him, and he was sure to quickly turn against her, despite her help in the past 2 years. 

Subaru had realized he had become too reliant on her Greed, got too encapsulated, and lost everything he had.

Thus, he held a knife up to his throat.

He will end it, go back to the way he used to. Loving his friends. He’ll learn to do it again. Will it even be possible? He didn’t know, and that’s what he furrowed his brows at, the complex emotion knitting itself on to his already pale face, dried blood placing itself on his chin. 

He wasn’t exactly sure how to love, he only knew how to repeat it over and over, till he could get the right results. There was no love involved in that, not once, never. 

_ I love you. _

Scratching the edge of his throat, his life force drained out of his neck in a sickening crimson. Hearing this unfamiliar voice, his eyes widened.

_ I love you. _

Trying to gain the courage to push the knife in further, like he always had, he lightly yelped. It wasn’t different to any other times he had done this to himself, so why was he struggling now?

_ I love you. I love you. I love you. _

He squinted his eyes to see arms laced in shadow wrapping themselves around him, almost comforting him as the blood seeped down his shirt, caking his clothing in a thick red.

_ Everyone loves you, Subaru. So value your life more. _

The whispering in his ears never seemed to cease.

_ Love yourself more. _

With a little push, the gates held in Subaru’s eyes fell, letting his tears fall freely on to his lap as the blood continued to drip down his neck, finally recognizing this familiar voice, her hands and her comfort.

_ I love you. So, please. _

The tears kept coming, dripping down his eyes as tears that had been held in for over a million timelines, over a million deaths that he wouldn’t cry in, he wouldn’t acknowledge the pain he would feel. 

_ You must kill me one day. _

He doesn’t understand these words. Not at all, he can’t value his life. That’s not the way it’s supposed to be, he’s the only one who has to die. No one else has to suffer but him. Scrunching his face up in disbelief, the boy thinks about everyone.

“Subaru?”

_ I’ll bring you back. _

“Subaru, what are you doing?” The silver-haired half-elf opened the door, staring at Subaru with a knife to his throat.

In an instant, the room turned incredibly tense, whiteness blinding his eyes as Subaru stared in horror, knowing what would come next. This had happened too many times, he had lost his life to it too much. The coldness was biting at his skin, threatening to freeze him to death. 

He gripped the knife, quickly thrusting it into his throat, blood splattering on the surfaces in his room. 

“NO!”

In that moment, Subaru glanced at Emilia. Her cold, amethyst eyes glowed as tears flowed out freely, her hair waving about as she rushed to Subaru’s side. 

Time seemed to slow down as he stared, wondering what went wrong. She was so much more beautiful with long hair, he thought, and it was his fault she had been driven to insanity with Echidna’s thought processes running through his mind constantly. He’d been coerced into almost hating her.

Subaru remembered the times when Emilia let him lay on her lap for the first time, and let him sob into her knees, absolutely shamelessly. He spilled his worries into her already burdened heart and mind, but she accepted all this with her unrelenting kindness. He missed that Emilia, the one that would always comfort him no matter the trial he was going through. But he had learnt the hard way that Emilia was an actual person as well as himself, and she didn’t always know what he was thinking. She wasn’t a fake heroine that would always lend him her lap. She was a real, a really real person who had her own thoughts and troubles. 

He remembered the first time he even met her and instantly fell in love. She had lost her insignia and had stopped to help him despite being on the clock, and in return Subaru helped her look for it, leading to the loot house. He had died there, unaware of his own ability. Gripping her pale hand, he swore that he’d save her.

Staring at her now, panicking to heal him, her efforts were fruitless. But he tried to smile at her. The first genuine smile he had in a long while.

_ I swear, I’ll save you. _

He spoke this in his mind as he lost his life, glancing up at her face.

※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※

_ I’m back _ , was the first thought that entered his mind, as the familiar blues filled his eyes, feeling the tightness of his tracksuit around his body instead of a formal suit. 

“I'm... here.” Staring in disbelief at the walls, sparkling with the colour of the ocean in his eyes, he grasped his familiar tracksuit in his hands. The feeling was way too much for him to handle, such an overflowing sense of relief. Satella, had brought him back.

Plunging the knife into his throat, he felt pain. He felt the grief and loss of death in front of someone close to him, and he finally had let go of tears he didn’t know he was holding. But he’s back, back in the tomb, back next to…

Emilia.

Anxiously turning himself to the side, he took a deep breath to prepare. Upon opening his eyes, he stared at the long-haired girl. Long-haired? Long-haired. She had long hair. Did that really matter? She was back. That’s Emilia, that’s really her. Subaru didn’t feel the same towards her, which sickened him to the core. He wanted to love her like his previous self did beforehand, but he couldn’t bring himself to say it, not after he’d made her suffer like that. 

He reached out to her, but he felt his consciousness fading, and he wasn’t sure if it was because he was in such shock, or it was because of…

He fell to the ground, seeing a dream. He saw a dream.

A dream that wouldn’t fade, a dream that kept repeating, a dream with no end, a dream that wouldn’t end-

Her smile filled his eyes.

The woman sat on the top of the grassy hill, drinking a cup of tea as if she had no cares in the world. She smiled at him, as if expecting his return. 

He stared at her, a frustration displayed across his face.

“I have been awaiting your return, Natsuki Subaru.”

**Author's Note:**

> I'm really sorry everyone, I rushed this a lot & it's really bad, because I wanted to get something new out. I hope you understand!
> 
> I thought this was an interesting concept and wanted to explore it more, so yeah! I did. I'm really struggling for ideas though, which is why I tried to push to the end with this one because I find a lot of the time that I can't think of any ideas to actually write about! So yeah, if you like my awful works, I'd really love to hear what you guys want to be written! I'd be glad to write short oneshots/possibly longer chaptered stories to contribute to the Re:Zero fanfic community.


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